Sex, Drugs, and Soul: Kristin Birdwell on Writing Through Fear and What a Memoir Sets in Motion

In this episode of Author Hour, Travis Stoliker sits down with Kristin Birdwell, author of Sex, Drugs, & Soul, to talk about the memoir she wrote through COVID, why she wanted to own the creative rights before there was anything to own them for, how she handled the real people on the page, and the podcast, the South by Southwest mentorship, and the television pilot the book set in motion in the four years since.

Transcript

Travis Stoliker: I am so honored to have Kristin Birdwell joining me, the author of Sex, Drugs, and Soul. So, Kristin, can you just tell us a little bit about yourself and your book?

Kristin Birdwell: Yeah, I'm like, how far back are we going? I would say I'm playful, a little bit goofy, fun-loving kind, just personality-wise, and a little bit about my book. I mean, the title kind of encompasses a little bit, but it's definitely a self-discovery journey that starts whenever, I mean, I was early 20s, and I show up on the doorstep of this decades-older sugar daddy, and I thought it was going to be how my fairy tale started.

And, you know, a week later in Mexico, he's reciting poetry and all this stuff, but there's a little bit of turbulence ahead in that book. And so it just follows my journey through grief and abuse to finally finding self-love and the self-discovery aspects, acceptance. So it's a wild ride told through that lens.

Travis Stoliker: I'm always curious, when did that twinkle start when you knew that you needed to write the book about this?

Kristin Birdwell: Yeah, so I think that I always knew I was going to write a book. I've always been a lover of stories, reading since gay high, lived in my imagination. But for this one, it started out as like a fiction book first.

And then I just got to the point, I think I was coaching some people in creativity, and it was just gnawing at me that I hadn't put out the thing in the world that I was feeling called to the most at that time. And it switched, it switched to memoir, and I started writing it. I mean, there were threads that started, you know, 10 years before, but whenever I hired a writing coach and editor in 2019 is whenever I feel like I buckled down and got serious about it.

And I was like, I know I'll show up, I'll have the accountability to keep me in check. And then COVID happened. And I had always, you know, said that I'm like, I wish I just had like the time, energy, space, resources to dedicate just to writing.

And I got that wish in a way. And so I wrote my book through COVID and then did the first round of edits about in June 2020. And then yeah, then the next round 2021.

And towards the end of then I was like, okay, I need to get this thing out there and published in 2022.

Travis Stoliker: Do you mind telling the audience about your detective's office night and the dark night?

Kristin Birdwell: Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah, I always like, whenever, retrospectively, I, whenever I initially like outlined this book, I was like, Oh, I don't need to include that in there. And I think that whenever I got to that point in the chapter, I was like, Oh my god, I have to include this.

This was like the part of my climatic journey that launched me into deeper self-inquiry. Yeah, I was in the detective's office because a guy I was dating intended to hire a hitman. And like, whenever I found out or like, whenever it came to like, the surface that this had happened, I was in another country.

I was like, this doesn't work. Gosh, like, I'm in this other country. But yeah, it totally felt like the ID channel.

But it also was like, okay, it put me in a place of making different choices because I was like, okay, I've dated this guy and this guy has been unavailable in this way. This guy has been unavailable in a different way. But what's the common denominator here?

It's me. So it's like, okay, how do I, how do I fix my picker? How do I, yeah, find a different relationship with myself and how will that be reflected in the relationships that I choose to, you know, date or have in my life going forward?

So it was definitely like a hold up the mirror to myself moment and shifted my trajectory completely. That was a, I would say, I started on the pathway of like healing and self-discovery, reading lots of books. At that time, I also went to go see like a medium because my dad had just died probably nine months earlier and, or maybe a little bit over a year.

But I was just kind of feeling lost and like seeking all these like external, whether it was validation or like trying to numb my feelings and alcohol, drugs, or the attention of men. I, but I went there and she told me, she's like, you know, you're, you have what I call alien hands and you're meant to be a healer. And I was like, I've never felt more fucked up in my life.

What do you mean? But, but it gave me like a marker to move towards. And so I'm like, okay, if I'm supposed to show up in the world as this or that, even though I don't know what this or that looks like, I'm going to start making different choices.

And so just like bit by bit and, you know, sometimes it'd be like two steps forward, one back type of things or what it felt like that. But yeah, I would say that it all culminated in like that self-love journey.

Travis Stoliker: How did you deal with all that? Cause your, your book is, you know, it's a very emotional memoir and it goes over some, some darkness and some self-discovery and that, that journey can be very, very emotional. Just putting it on the page.

How did you deal with those fears? And you know, how did you not stop? How did you keep going when you're going through and putting it all on the page like that?

Kristin Birdwell: As I was writing it? All right. So I was like, wait, the, through those moments, maybe self-medication at first.

No, I just, I've always deeply held and believe, and this was probably attributed to my mom, that all things work out for good, even if I can't see it in that moment. And so there was a bit of that, that's like baked into my identity instead of beliefs. But then also I believe that what, why I was doing it or why the pursuit of, or like the more of the mission or the impact that it could potentially have on others outweighed like any strife or fears that I may be sitting in.

And so it just kind of helped put things in perspective. If I took it outside of me, I'm like, okay, this can help someone someday. And through the process of it totally helped me because I was like, oh my God, this moment at kindergarten or whatever, this is why I made this, or just like connected the dots in so many different ways.

Whenever I was outlining and being like, wow, that influenced me, or just like these moments of like deep resonance that clocked in, like, God, I just got to know myself in a different way. Very intimate too. It's, I always say, whenever I'm talking to people about writing books or sharing their stories, I'm like, listening to our longings is one of the biggest acts of self-love.

So even though it's like, I was telling this story of getting to my point or first, I like I would say first marker of self-love and acceptance, going through the process of is really what brought me there too. And I think about like all these tools that have been taught and then like the power of repetition and our subconscious mind and those sort of things. Well, I'm like writing all these things out and I'm like repeating it and reading it and editing it so many times that I'm like helped instill those lessons or different mindset that were greater than the fear.

And I also read like lots of different books that talk about there really only being two choices, fear or love. And when we fear those or have those moments, it's a call for more love. And so I just kind of was gentle on myself, gave myself space, ate a lot of dark chocolate and had that, you know, vision in mind of like, okay, this will help others.

Travis Stoliker: Uh, that's great. And it has, and it's led to a lot of different things. I was wondering, you know, this was about four years ago that you published, what brought you to scribe back at that time?

Kristin Birdwell: I wanted to own the creative control or like have the creative rights. And I knew one day I'm like, okay, I might be working on a TV show or book or something. And like, I wanted to own all of the decisions too, that went into it.

Like, okay, cover what stays, what goes. So I'd say like creative control is a big piece of it. And I wanted to be walked hand kind of handholded through the process.

And I've still wanted it to look like a professionally published book. Like I've seen a ton of like, you know, Kindle direct publishing, like uploads. I'm like, I can tell.

And so I did, I wanted to still have like this professional looking packaging because for a while, like I did query, I was like, I'm not, I'm going to query. And then I was like, no, I really want this thing to help support me on my mission. And even if I were to get an agent, it probably I'm looking at 18 to 24 months outside of, you know, that timeframe.

I'm like, I want this thing like out yesterday. So a little bit of impatience to brought me to y'all's doorsteps and it's seeing all the different success stories. And yeah.

Travis Stoliker: Now my understanding, obviously it's led to a terrific podcast that you host, but it also, I believe you might be co-writing a TV show.

Kristin Birdwell: Yeah. I'm working on it. Yeah.

It's been really cool. And we're just having so much fun with it. Just throwing like we, I have a writing partner for that one.

It's been so fun to kind of not get lost in the sauce a little bit, but just like laugh so much along the way. Like with my book, it was just so like, yeah, there were moments where I'd be like typing and crying in like, oh, with this I'm laughing. And it's just so fun that it's like kind of different energy and feel to it.

So, yeah, we're playing with that. We've just, we're finished the pilot. Now we're in the process of like getting advisement on it.

And we get some really good feedback a couple weeks ago. It almost brings tears to my eyes. Yeah.

But this woman, Dawn DeKyler, she's awesome. She's been, she's worked on a lot of Emmy, Emmy award-winning shows. And she's like, I don't say this often, but this one has a lot of potential because of the world you created and the people and a couple other elements.

But I was like, oh my God. Yay.

Travis Stoliker: How cool. And do you feel like you manifested this? Because my understanding is there, as I recall, when you started writing this book, you kind of had a TV show in mind, or at least that, that, that glimmer of hope.

So did you manifest your book turning into a TV pilot?

Kristin Birdwell: Ask me in a year. No, I'm kidding. I kind of always, that's been definitely one of the visual markers or like whether it's on my vision board or goals, like, yeah, I just have always wanted to see something come to life in that format, whether it was a TV show or a movie.

And this one, you know, it has threads of my story, but it's got so much like more richness and, and fun and depth added to it that I'm like, oh, I love this.

Travis Stoliker: That's amazing. And what, what led to you launching your podcast? And can you tell us about some of the cool things that have happened with your podcast?

Kristin Birdwell: Yeah. So I've always been more of a writer and like had my solace and just like comfortability. I'm like, that is my jam.

That is me. Like I, I feel more introverted, even though like, I know I can present a little more extroverted or I walk that line. Like I love my solo solitude writing time.

And then I knew I wanted to show up in the world in different ways. And like, let me get some exercise and using my voice. And then when I was like, okay, I'll try this hat on.

And then I'm like, what am I going to call it? And then, oh, I'll just call the same title as the book. I didn't really think about, you know, any censorship or any, I don't know, but I do love it.

But yeah, it just started as like an exercise to use my voice really. And then now looking back on it retrospectively, I'm like, oh wow, it's cool. Like I took people on the journey of not knowing it, but being awful.

And like, now I have like 120 episodes under my belt, which is kind of cool that you can go along on a journey. Like, oh wow, she's getting her footing. So audio might not be the best here.

Oh, cool. And I have like an insatiable curiosity. So I'd say that meeting people and getting to know their stories or sharing or amplifying like their story or their voices or their projects in the world, it's been really cool.

And it's a great way to like, get to know someone like sought into someone's DMs and be like, hey, I'd love for you to come on my podcast. And my fire for it has gotten even bigger since doing it in person. I started doing it in person about episode like 75, I think.

And yeah, just like sitting down with someone, like having a conversation with no cell phone. Maybe my notes are on my phone, right. But just like dropping in with someone, it's really cool.

So connecting with people that I never thought I would connect with before, I actually have on a really cool creative guy that's coming. I'm meeting him tomorrow to record the podcast. But yeah, I don't know if that like meeting or encounter would happen had I not started this and had this platform to to offer people and connect and connect with them.

Travis Stoliker: And it's it is a great way. There seems something like really human about podcasts. Like if you would have said, are people going to tune into one hour, two hour, three hour conversations between other people?

But like, there's no way. But it seems so like human to just be able to listen to a podcast with two people talking. It reminds me of when I was growing up, being around the campfire and listening to my dad and his uncles and the grandparents all talking.

And as a young child, like I wouldn't say anything, but I would learn so much and hear who these people actually are as they're sharing stories and shooting the shit man, you know, giving each other crap. All that stuff is like, so genuine. And there's something so human about that.

Kristin Birdwell: I love it. Like just that. And I feel like I'm so with my phone all the time that to have that, you know, uninterrupted time with someone to have a conversation.

I love and kind of like you said, I remember being at the top of the steps that like, well, my dad and his buddies were like downstairs playing pool or having a beer or something and like getting to satisfy like eavesdrop and like learning something. But kind of feeling like, I don't know, like, I don't know. I'm there like a fly on the wall type of thing.

Travis Stoliker: Yes.

Kristin Birdwell: It satisfies a little bit of that for me too, in a way, like, especially when I listen to other podcasts, I'm like, oh, I kind of just feel like, you know, am I in the green room? I'm just like eavesdropping or, you know, on this conversation. And so it's kind of fun whenever I look at it in that way too.

And so, yeah.

Travis Stoliker: And it's just like that. You can go direct to the people that you, you know, if you're really interested in this author, you can listen to them candidly on a podcast or this actor or this CEO or this, you know, physicist, you can literally just find on YouTube or Spotify or Apple podcasts and just sit in on a conversation with somebody that you admire and hear how they actually talk around a kitchen table.

Kristin Birdwell: Yeah. I love it. It's cool.

Or find something or like, okay, I want to laugh. So I'm going to listen to, or yeah, I just even like, okay, that person sounds interesting. Let's go.

Travis Stoliker: Right. Right. So.

One of my favorite questions that we ask on author hour is what were some of the unexpected great things that you didn't foresee after publishing your book?

Kristin Birdwell: I'd say like during, towards the end of it, or as I was getting ready to publish, I mean, I had just so much, the kindness that people extended to, they're like, Hey, I managed this TV show. Do you want to come on it? And like on the morning news thing, I was like, sure.

Did not have that in my realm or, you know, wheelhouse or, but it was just like offered and presented. I was like, okay, cool. Dope.

Yeah. I would say whether it's like different speaking opportunities. Oh, I had another one.

I was like South by Southwest. I feel like if I had not published my book and or started the podcast, being as a storytelling mentor for South by Southwest a couple of years in a row, that's definitely been like a highlight. Like not only do I get to like platinum badge to get to like bebop around town, but I like also get to give back and have these sessions with people that are interested in like storytelling or marketing or whatever it is.

That's been really neat. I mean, the, the continued thread of the TV show is cool. Yeah.

And that more on a sentimental, sentimental note, it's like having people, whether it's what I intended or how I met the page or word to land, right. Having the effect on someone else so much so that they'd be inclined to reach out, whether it's got someone's like, I feel like you wrote this for me and my journey with grief with my dad. I'm like, wow, that that's incredible.

It that was, I'm like, this is why I did it. Like those messages that just show up on my inbox or, you know, text thread or yeah, that's pretty cool.

Travis Stoliker: There's something really beautiful about that.

Kristin Birdwell: Yeah. It's just like, okay. I, all those nights were worth it.

All those days were worth it. The moments of doubt, like just continuing to go. Yeah.

Travis Stoliker: And if there's somebody out there that is considering writing their memoir and they're stuck or they just can't get over the fear, do you have any advice to somebody that was maybe you in like 2019 and has that glimmer that they want to write, but is struggling with the fear and struggling with getting started?

Kristin Birdwell: I'd say follow it, lean into it. I truly believe that if you have that inkling or desire, it's kind of like our future self whispering to us in the present moment being like, Hey, this thing, I need you, I need you to follow this route. So there's that, but then there's also like this beautiful, like self-love during listening to your longings and showing up for it.

And like, you build this like self-trust over time. I'm like with the other fears, like you can, like, I also believe truly that if you have that, then there's someone on the other side that needs to hear it or read it or that it will resonate with it. And so to put it in that perspective, and it's like, who are you to not share your gifts or story in the world?

And that may be like a little bit of, I don't know, is that harsher medicine? But to really like, if you have this beautiful story and there's someone on the other side that could benefit from it, well, even if it's just like being seen or not alone on their journey, like, like you owe it to the world, no pressure. Yeah.

And with fears, I'm just like, you can acknowledge them and you can tell your story in such a kind way. Like you can change names. If it's a memoir, you can have conversations with people.

Like I totally change names or ask people. I went to them like, Hey, I'm going to write this story. Would you want me to change your name?

And then some people said, yes, some people said no. And then I shared pages with people. You don't have to do that.

But also I felt like it was the respectful thing to do because I'm like, okay, if someone was going to write X, Y, Z about me, I'd love if they offer me the opportunity to give input or insight or like my takeaway into it. And I did. And like, there was an identifying detail that I needed to change.

So yeah, just so like you can do it with kindness and respect and still show up for yourself in your story. Cause it is vulnerable.

Travis Stoliker: It is scary. Yeah. Did Scribe help you through that process?

Kristin Birdwell: I would say having someone to bounce it off of, I, you know, I want to say, I'm thinking, maybe I've asked about the legalities of it. And I think I remember sending an email about that, but I think a lot of it came from my heart and wanting to do right with people. Yeah.

And like, I didn't want to feel like a scorned lover talking about this relationship because you know, in so many ways that it impacted me, maybe quote unquote negatively, there were just as many like, like positive things that I could take away with it or the meaning that I sign now. But yeah, I would say just having like the support or cheerleader in the back was a lot, but I feel like I was the one that was like, okay, I'm going to reach out or extend this.

Travis Stoliker: Definitely. Was there anything like one of the biggest questions that we get from other authors is, you know, how am I going to market this? You know, am I going to do Amazon ads?

Am I going to send out a bunch of advanced copies? How am I going to get people to do Amazon reviews for me? Am I going to have my own website?

Am I going to cede it to public relations people? Were there any things that worked for you on the book marketing side that were lessons learned that you should share with others?

Kristin Birdwell: For sure. And you'll totally help me with that because like with the email sequencing and reaching out to people, I'm like just creating a list of anyone who I might've ever crossed paths with before. And I have their email address.

I'm like, well, you probably received at least that first round email. Yeah. And gearing up and the, and positioning it and what categories to, to, you know, slot into that may be the best marketing wise.

So there was definitely support in that realm. I'd say now, like there was a little bit of me that whenever I got to that finish line, I'm like, oh my God, I'm done. Now I have to market this thing.

Are you kidding me? Like I, it was like a little bit of what felt like postpartum book birthing is what I call it because I was like, oh, that's great. It's true.

Only like my kid was birthed and went to college in the same day. It's like, they're on their own journey. Bye.

I really did feel like holding my little book baby. And so, yeah, I would say to me, people that listen to podcasts are probably going to be people that listen to books or audio books or read them. So I feel like there's a good pathway for podcasts.

And I know for me, if I receive a pitch with someone that has published a book, I'm like, oh, this is, I love this because it all, it automatically gives me like a conversation frame or direction. And so it's like, oh, here, it's such like an easy guest or easier guests for me, in my opinion. And let's see what else like marketing wise.

I mean, you probably do it all, see what throws some spaghetti at the wall, see what sticks. But yeah, definitely like the email and positioning beforehand, because then, and they all had like all the insight and tools to know like how, what would most likely care to be an Amazon bestseller. And it did, which was really cool to watch and witness and go on that journey the day of.

Yeah. I'm like, I would say, fill it out and like have y'all's expert in guidance.

Travis Stoliker: What did it feel like when you saw your locked book cover?

Kristin Birdwell: That was cool. But I feel like what I had the most emotional response to was, was holding it for the first time, because I was like, oh my God, here's this thing that I've been baking on for 10 plus years or that I lived to tell the tale of. And I, you know, it was just an idea in my mind.

And now it's this physical, tangible thing in my arms. Like how cool, like that was just amazing. Like talk about like, whether it was manifestation or action and effort and discipline to follow through.

It was, that was like what spouted the most waterworks from me. Going through the cover design process is really cool though. Although now I'm like, would I have, would I choose the same cover?

Maybe not. I know I've been talking to you a little bit, or I mentioned, I was like, do I do a second edition with a different cover? Add some things or threads at the end?

Or is the start of a new book? I don't know yet, but it was cool to like go through that design process because that design started as like, I was having lunch with someone and they're like, it would be cool if you, you know, on this side, you have this and on the other side, maybe you have a closed eye and a tear and it's like different colors and it's like plays on shadow and light since the subtitle is like finding grace in the shadow. And, and so it was cool to like give that to the cover designer and then let's see what transpired or kind of came up and then go through the different selection. I do remember where I was though.

And I was like, Oh my goodness.

Travis Stoliker: Where were you?

Kristin Birdwell: I was at Barrett Jackson of all places in Scottsdale, Arizona at a car auction.

Travis Stoliker: Man, it's that's, that's quite a memory. I mean, those things like the one that I have is, you know, I'll always remember where I was on nine 11, you know, that's, that's one of those for me. And for you to have that moment for your book cover, that's we're so honored that we were a part of that.

So you wrote an amazing memoir about your life up until that point, four years ago, it led to you being a creative coach for South by Southwest. It led to you starting your own podcast. It led to people reaching out and saying that your book had helped them through grief and help them through a difficult time.

Now you're in the process of writing a TV pilot. Could you ever have imagined all of this would happen as a result?

Kristin Birdwell: Not all of it. I mean, like, like you said, like the marker of the TV show that that thread has been there, but like a lot of the different conversations are heartfelt moments. Or I even had someone at South by Southwest came up to me.

They're like, why don't you use that writer who writes about like sexuality and spirituality? I was like, what? In the wild someone came up to me?

How cool. I'm like, yeah, that's me. So it's just like those fun moments too.

But yeah, the South by Southwest thing, that wasn't even on my radar. A friend sent me like an application or something to become a mentor for them. I'm like, oh, we'll see.

Like that had no idea or foresight into the future, nor did I, you know, how people would resonate or which parts would resonate. Cause there'd be some things I'm like, that's the one that I was crying after then the chapter, but to have like some other random, you know, passage or scene in my mind for my life, like resonate with someone that's cool. And I never have imagined that or which ones and with what people, because I will tell you, like, you can't predict it.

That's another thing I would tell the person with near is like, you can't predict who's going to love, like hate your book and it's wasted energy to even try. I tried a little bit. There's someone in my family that was like, oh, surely they're going to love it or support me a thousand percent.

They had the most, they had the hardest time with it when there was someone that was like, oh my God, I'm scared to send it to this person. It took me six months to send it to this person. They came back with a glowing review and like, let me know.

And then love the story. And they're like, don't get me wrong. I don't like the fact that I'm one of the main people, but so proud of you.

Like this needs to be out there. And I was like, wow. So it's like kind of cool that like those moments that even though I was like, oh, it's going to happen like this, it did not happen like that.

Yeah.

Travis Stoliker: And so that just shows that importance of getting through it and finishing and that you can never predict what's going to happen after.

Kristin Birdwell: Yeah.

Travis Stoliker: Besides for you with predicting the whole TV pilot.

Kristin Birdwell: But yeah, I mean, it sparks like an opens a whole world of possibilities that I feel like aren't until you cross that threshold. Yeah. So actually just keep going and be kind to yourself on the way to another thing.

Travis Stoliker: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right. Well, I'm I am looking forward to our follow up in a year or four years to see all of the new cool things that happen as a result of your book.

Kristin Birdwell: I invite you to the screening.

Travis Stoliker: Thank you. I'm going to hold you to that. Well, Kristin, thank you so much.

And we're honored to have you as a scribe author. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to help. And I'm hoping that everyone out there will pick up a copy of your book and tune in to your podcast.