Troels Mark Meyer: Episode 1180

Transcript

[0:00:18] HA: In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to chase one goal after another in search of happiness. It’s also easy to feel overwhelmed by expectations; those of society, friends, family, and ourselves. Welcome to the Author Hour Podcast. I’m your host Hussein Al-Baiaty and I’m joined by author, Mark Meyer, who is here to talk about his new book, The Art of Being Authentic: Increase Self-Esteem, Be Happier, and Discover Your Purpose. Let’s flip through it. Hello friends and welcome back to Author Hour. I’m here with a very special guest, my friend, Mark Meyer, who just launched an amazing book called, The Art of Being Authentic. Mark, thank you so much for joining me today.

[0:01:04] TMM: Thank you for having me.

[0:01:05] HA: Yeah Mark, this is great man. I got to tell you, I know I told you a little bit briefly before we got on the show that your book was super sort of easy to get into. I – you know, I kind of say that about a lot of other people. I think my thing with introduction to books is I want to get pulled in and kind of go into this flash moment where I feel like I’m falling into the story and if I’m not captivated in those first couple of pages, it’s hard for me to pick it back up. But you know I’ll be honest, in the last 24 hours, it’s a little hard to put down man because I just kept falling deeper into the book. Your story is really powerful.

[0:01:38] TMM: Oh, I love that.

[0:01:39] HA: But before we get into the book and the amazing parts of it and of course, your stories, I want to share with our audience, just a little bit about you, your personal background, perhaps where you grew up and what got you on the path that you’re on today of sort of entrepreneurship and then getting into the mind and authenticity. What got you going there?

[0:01:58] TMM: You know, what got me going Hussein, I mean, I was born and raised in Copenhagen, Denmark, which is a small Scandinavian country just north of Germany and you know just as everyone else, I faced the – you know, I had a good upbringing but I also faced adversity in life and I think when I became a young man, I just went into the world with a lot of ambition and with a lot of feeling I needed to prove myself to the world. Yeah, and I think for me, I think I said very early on in life, I said, “Okay, I want to be successful.” I want to do all those things that you know, people told me matter, you know, I want to make money, I want to have a career, I want to be a success and I want people to respect me. So I just started out, you know, working all I could, you know? Getting a good job, trying to get promoted and I was fortunate, I set some goals and I was fortunate that this hard work, it paid off. I got promoted, I got promoted again and I think I was maybe, I don’t know, in my early 30s and I was heading up, I was a European director of an ad agency. So was heading up a German office, I was heading up an office in Denmark, I was heading up an office in Sweden. You know, I really accomplished all my goals and I accomplished them even earlier than I ever dreamed of, and yet, I was still stuck with this feeling that something was missing. You know, I wanted more and I didn’t know why but I was like, “I’m not happy, I got to act on this.” So I left my prestigious job, I found some investors and I thought, "Okay, you know what? I’ll start a tech company.” You know, I’ll step on out on my own, and then you know, I will finally be happy, I will set goals, I will accomplish them and I was hellbent on making this a success. So you know, I started training as a business coach, as an NLP coach because I needed some tools so that I could perform and I could get the people around me to perform and we did really well. The company revenue skyrocketed. We won business awards, we won tech awards, we won design awards. It was everything I ever dared dream and more and yet, I still had that feeling. That feeling that something’s missing, that feeling that something’s missing. I want more. So you know, I did what I’ve been doing most of my adult life. I thought, “Okay, well, I need to get more.” So I started another company and when that didn’t work, then I started one more company. So I was continuously on this chase for something, a goal in the future that could get me what it was I was searching for.

[0:04:46] HA: Yeah, and that, and I feel like the goalpost gets sort of bigger but further, right? Because you feel like you can conquer not only the game but you can easily throw a grape in the ocean but that ocean keeps getting further and further, right? The abundance it feels like it’s never enough and you know, as a young man, you know while I was in college I started my little T-shirt printing business and yeah, one thing just keeps leading to another one thing, and for me, it was out of like, survival. I really needed to pay for school, I needed to figure out a way to do that and – but that just continued to feed this curiosity. If you know, I think for me, entrepreneurship was beautiful because it really was challenging, which I loved but also at the same time, it gave me this burst of being validated. Being told that I’m doing a good job and in your affirmations that I was seeking but honestly, I was so young. I didn’t realize that that is actually what I was seeking. I was thinking that I was doing the right things, you know? Just showing up, building a business and you know, going to school and – but all of that, you know to say you’re right. Your story resonates with me so deep because it didn’t feel like it was enough. So I kept going and in some ways, hurting myself but I want to talk a little bit about this. What – you know, what inspired you to write this book specifically around the idea of authenticity? Where did you sort of come to that crashing wall of saying, “It’s never going to be enough and I need to figure this out” instead of “Let me build more?”

[0:06:27] TMM: Yeah, that’s a really good question, Hussein, because you know, if we pick up my story there, you know, the goalpost kept moving and I was getting – actually, I was almost getting a little desperate, right? I mean, you know, “Why is this not working for me?” and then I was sitting at home one night, late in the evening and I was browsing the web and I came across this good study and trying to become a psychotherapist and I guess it was a bit of a desperate move. I was like, “Oh, maybe this is what I need. I need to understand the human psyche and then I will finally be happy and I’ll finally be content.” So I went down to my wife and I said, “Listen, I’m going to study and train to become a psychotherapist” and I tell you, Hussein, she wasn’t happy about the idea.

[0:07:12] HA: No. Yeah.

[0:07:13] TMM: She said, “Okay, you’re running several companies, you get up at 6 am every morning including on weekends, how are you going to find time for that?” But I was just, “I got to do this. You know, I need to do this” and I decided to do it but at the time, I didn’t know how life-altering it would be for me because that was really the beginning of my journey toward living an authentic life. And yeah, I showed up for the first class and I remember I was handed some papers and on those papers, it said, “Well, during this training, you have to go through 40 hours of therapy” and I thought, “40 hours of therapy, what am I going to talk to a therapist about for 40 hours?” and I went to the teacher and I said, “Listen, I’m sorry but you got this wrong. I’m not here to learn about myself. I’m here to learn to understand everybody else around me” and she smiled Hussein. She smiled and she said, “Listen, if you’re going to be here, you’re going to do the therapy.”

[0:08:09] HA: Oh man, that’s so good, yeah.

[0:08:11] TMM: Yeah, exactly, right? And when I did, I realized all of a sudden, you know, I finally took the time to look at myself, look at my own emotions, look at why am I doing this, what am I trying to achieve and I realized, “Listen, I’ve been chasing something outside of myself that’s already in me.” You know, what I’m really looking for is that connection with the authentic self, what’s authentic for me, and when I realized that and when I saw, you know, the benefits of trying to live authentically, then I thought, “This is what I got to do.” So I made a radical change in my life.

[0:08:49] HA: Yeah. That’s so powerful because here we are, yet again, right? Like, in this place where you’re like, “I think this is going to give me what I need” which is just more of an understanding of the world around me not just the physical, material world, and then that’s where sort of, I feel like the bubble burst because it’s like, “Well, in order to know and understand other people, you have to know and understand yourself and your beliefs” and you know, then that’s probably hands down, the most uncomfortable place to be. When your values are on the table and they’re being questioned, I feel like it’s being, you know, on the surgical table and being dissected in order for you to open up and understand what’s going on, “Why do I feel the things that I feel, why do I you know, push the way that I push?” You know, all of these things, and for me, that wake-up call happened after my father passed and I just felt like nothing really freaking mattered because at the end of the day, I’m – this is where I’m going to end up. There was a complete disconnect, which I had to come back from – you know what I’m saying? And until I got into therapy and luckily, you know, I was dating my wife, you know, with her help sort of you know, just helping me be patient through that processing that I was able to slowly get back into – you know, go to therapy and start to uncover like, nothing feels right anymore, things seemed off, it’s something’s off in the world, and in my perspective, and sure enough, it’s definitely my perspective and you know, whether it was resentment, anger, frustration, jealousy, envy, man, it was all on the table. So tell me more. I mean, the book covers a variety of topics, you talk about self-esteem and tension, you know, purposeful living. These topics all deeply resonate with most of us, especially when we struggle through those things. What topic really started to resonate with you during this process of sort of reevaluating yourself and why?

[0:10:52] TMM: Well, I think the first thing was really that what I realized was, “Okay, I didn’t even know what it meant for me to be authentic” you know? And the one thing is trying to figure it out and the second thing is when I figure it out, “How am I going to go about doing it?” You know, because you start worrying and it’s so interesting what you said. You talk about when your father passed away and you said, “Hey, nothing really matters” right? And that kind of realization is something that can move something in us, right? Because a lot of us want to be authentic but we kind of like – we’re like, “Okay, but what are other people going to think about that?” You know? Are they going to judge me, right? Maybe we’re going to start thinking and I’m going to start judging myself now because I’ve heard these judgments so many times in my lifetime and I have internalized them, so I’m judging myself right now also and then you kind of start thinking, “Oh hey, what’s the cost here?” You know, this could be very uncomfortable for you, this is the feeling I’m starting to get, right? And then when we have these experiences like the one you had, which is a tragic and sad experience but that can also be something that you know, set you to look at your life in a different way. To strive towards being authentic because right now, you don’t care about the cost anymore. You know that there is an ultimate cost, and that’s not living your life because it’s going to end one day, right?

[0:12:16] HA: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I love that you shared that because again, this is why your book was really resonating with me because I found myself really just, what’s the word? Just connecting with you in your stories but I saw myself you know, especially after my father passed, those couple of years where really, I shed so many different things man. I questioned everything about my life and why I was really doing it because, ultimately, it’s like what doesn’t matter does not matter. It’s completely off the table, you know? And I was sitting there making lists and lists. I’m talking about friends, relationships, people, things that I used to feel guilty about, you know, it was just like a re-cleaning and sort of opening my eyes to what is possible and how short time is, you know? And I think, that made me realize, “Okay, I have to think about how I really want to spend my time here and how much it really matters.” And that revelation completely took me out of this mentality of, “Man, I wanted to do an apparel printing shop.” I was like a FedEx Kinko, right? Like, you could go anywhere, it was like this huge – and it’s just like never enough. Like no matter how big I dreamt it to be, you know, it didn’t feed that all the way to, “You know, this shop doesn’t serve me at all.” What I really love and enjoy is speaking to the youth. That was the big thing and I’m like, “I don’t really care to have this shop.” This was just all a front to get this validation from the people around me to you know, show my brothers and my family that their hard work and sacrifice and it all paid off. It was like living in someone else’s story as supposed to genuinely living my own and that needed to flip and when I made that flip man, it was like nothing can bother me. To be honest with you and I know that sounds really weird and it took some time but what happened when you applied this to your life? You know, those – that course that you took, the sort of revelation to yourself, how did your life then change? What was that transformation for you?

[0:14:26] TMM: Well, that transformation for me was just that I realized I needed to work with this. I needed to devote my time to psychotherapy, I needed to devote my time to talking about authentic mindset and sort of getting that message out there. So for me, it became a radical change. I removed myself from the daily operations of my companies. I set up a practice where I do counseling for couples and individuals.

[0:14:56] HA: Beautiful.

[0:14:56] TMM: I do consultancy for major corporations on authentic mindset, I do workshops on authentic leadership and then I also do coaching for professional athletes and leaders on how to find their purpose.

[0:15:11] HA: Yeah.

[0:15:12] TMM: So my life is very different from what when it was before but it is also a whole lot better for me.

[0:15:18] HA: Right. Do you feel and I don’t know, this is just how I felt definitely after and especially as I moved states, I moved down to Arizona from Oregon, you know for me making that move, I finally felt like I not only got to the peak of that sort of imaginary mountain but now I was like flowing down-river. It just felt like what I was planning to do just felt natural as opposed to me sort of imposing it in my life and I don’t know, I feel like that is for me living from that authentic place. What did it feel like for you?

[0:15:56] TMM: Well, I think you already answered my question because you say very well right then, it’s a flow state. It is your natural state, right? And a lot of time being our authentic self is something that we kind of always known that this is it, this is what we need to do, right? What you said before, when you said, okay, it was like nothing could get you down, you know, it didn’t matter, I think that is a very distinct quality about being our authentic selves because what you’re doing now is you’re starting to act from your purpose. So instead of acting, you know, for some goal you need to achieve, you start acting from what it is that really drives you, what really is your purpose and your purpose doesn’t care about the result. Your purpose cares about expressing itself and that is just an emotion that’s a lot easier to be with than chasing goals. I usually say that you know, you can either push to reach your goals or you can be pulled forward by your purpose. It is up to you. If you want to push to reach your goals, then you need effort and discipline but if you want to move from purpose, well then you need self-understanding but then you can be pulled from your purpose.

[0:17:12] HA: Yeah, that is so powerful. You know, parts of it was my father, and parts of it was certainly my mother but the way I came to understand sort of my purpose was definitely in that in a way because I am a very graphic-driven person. I am an artist so I have to visualize what my purpose is. So I visualized it and compared it to a compass that lives within and the compass is helping me navigate the adventures of life. So life is like this big map, it is just a big adventure, right? And so you know, the purpose is like leading me from one sort of challenge to another to uncover, you know kind of like a superhero that develops his skills overtime or reveals its talents but only through a challenge that brings them out and I think for me, my purpose has been not just one thing but the idea that it is going to lead me to a place where I am going to be uncomfortable. In that uncomfort, I am going to learn something that is going to help me further along in this beautiful journey, in this adventure, and once I started looking at things like that and very simplistic in a way like drawn out in my mind I said, “Oh, okay. Well, what kind of adventure do I want to have?” you know? Then you get to the real meat of the question and then you start to kind of fold things on top of that.

[0:18:36] TMM: Yes.

[0:18:38] HA: But what advice do you have for your readers who are struggling with maybe self-esteem, purpose, or authenticity? You know, you don’t have to answer all three of course but maybe one or two that come up for you in your practice, and if there aren’t sure like sort of where to begin towards that improvement, what advice would you give to kind of lead them in that direction?

[0:19:00] TMM: Yeah, I think that is a very good question, Hussein, and let me say, I love listening to your story with the compass and this you’re telling –

[0:19:08] HA: This is one way to visualize it, I’m sure there are many more.

[0:19:10] TMM: But it is a very good way to visualize it.

[0:19:12] HA: Yeah, yeah.

[0:19:13] TMM: I would say that the most important thing is self-esteem and you know because we’re not going to – being authentic, we’re afraid it is going to come at a risk. That is what’s keeping us from being authentic. You know, what are the costs? So we’ve got to feel worthy. If we do not feel worthy to be our authentic selves then we are not even going to try. So self-esteem is very important and I am talking about self-esteem here. I’m not talking about confidence. I’m not talking about this ego-based “I’m really good at making money or I’m really good at playing tennis” or whatever I’m really good at. You know, that’s not it. I am talking about feeling worthy, you know saying, “Okay, I have the worth to be my authentic self.”

[0:19:57] HA: Yeah, I love that. It’s very straightforward, continue, please.

[0:20:04] TMM: Yeah and I think that – I also think that a lot of people and I think this is an important message to get across and also one you’ll get when you read the book that is that our self-esteem is 100% within our control. The actions that we take every day, the more authentic actions we take, the more authentic decisions we make, the greater our self-esteem is going to be. You know sometimes when I say that self-esteem is important, you know, people will be like, “No, no but that’s – maybe you can have that kind of self-esteem but that’s a limit to my self-esteem” or “You know, I’ve experienced these things and I can’t have that self-esteem” but my message is really you can and it’s just a matter of the choices you make in life and just grow.

[0:20:48] HA: To practice. It’s an ever-growing practice, right? Just like feeding your plants.

[0:20:53] TMM: Yes, definitely.

[0:20:54] HA: Just like exercising, just like everything else that we need to embed in our day-to-day. It’s the day-to-day moments I think and you really hit that spot on. I feel like self-esteem is the – I feel like it’s the assurance, it’s the belief in self and knowing that, “Hey, you know I’ve come this far. What’s to stop me from continuing in a way that I believe in?” right? You know, working from that energy space. I love that so much, which of course, leads to purpose and just I feel like authenticity is a byproduct of understanding yourself and you are 100% right and you talk a lot about that throughout your book, which I found really powerful but I got to ask you, I mean, writing a book is no easy feat and you had a lot to uncover for yourself and really bring a lot to the table and share stories that not everyone is quick to get into as far as life and things that are thrown our way. From small traumas to ones that we put on our self but I got to ask man, I mean, it’s not an easy feat. What’s your – you know, what would you say the hardest part of pulling this book together and what did you learn from that specific journey?

[0:22:08] TMM: Well, I mean, I think that when you write a book like this, I think the hardest thing was to also put myself out there with my own story because, in the beginning, I wrote, and I was like, “I’m not going to put my own story in there” but then, I mean, I’m writing a book called, The Art of Being Authentic, you know? It sounds really unauthentic if I don’t talk about myself, right? So I knew I had to walk the talk and that’s been – that was definitely something, a hurdle I have to overcome but it’s also been an amazing gift because writing this book has really made me implement these things even further into my life. You know, really walking that talk and of course, that’s a wonderful experience as well.

[0:22:51] HA: Yeah, I love that the most, man and that was my sort of flip-side of that coin is what your favorite part. I think for me, my favorite part of writing my book was truly just understanding my own self, my own life, and the things and then really connecting the dots more than I thought they connected, you know? I wrote a memoir it was to kind of just share stories about my father and stuff like that and the things that he taught me. But it also came around and served me in a way and like you said, you know, the more I understood myself, the more I could just be myself and trust that man, I’ve kicked ass this far, I’m going to continue doing it. Just trusting that is such a beautiful thing but doing it from a perspective of this was such a good case study for myself. I can always lean on my own experience, I don’t need anyone to validate my experiences anymore. That was really beautiful, it was like when I started speaking is not that I really wanted people to clap for myself. I enjoyed that but it’s like I don’t need that. I want to share, I want to be of value and just come into terms with those kinds of things. So what was your favorite part of pulling the book together?

[0:24:03] TMM: Well, I mean, I guess in a way, what you also say there because you say something very important. You say, “You know, okay, when I understood myself more” you sort of accepted yourself more as well, right? And that’s what comes with self-awareness is it comes this a great acceptance of yourself. Too many times, we stop before we investigate our true motives and we just chuck it up to some sort of limiting belief, right? We say this also, “Okay, I’m not good at that because I don’t have any discipline” or “I’m not good at that, I can’t control my temper” but if you really just give it a chance and try to understand ourselves, we’d see what is it really that drives us because it is something different. There is a positive mood driver there somewhere and once we get to understand that, as you say, then we get to accept it ourselves. That is also been something that I experienced also writing this book is you know, as you put yourself out there, you also, you understand yourself better and you get a better acceptance of yourself.

[0:25:05] HA: Yeah, it’s one of those things it’s like, “Here I am, love me or hate me, you know I’m here.” I exist, I validate myself and my existence and I am here to serve in the ways that I want to and create in the ways that I want to and I think for me, planting that flag was something I know my father really wanted for me, you know? I know that that’s the deeper language he was trying to relay though he did it through subtle lessons if you will in life and trying to show me things and my mother too, my brothers too. You know, it is not that we want you to be successful in this and all that like of course on the outside, we want to see you healthy and thriving but ultimately, it’s the finding of self and when we do that, there’s nothing that could replace that. It’s beautiful, it’s elegant, it is, I don’t know, in my woo-woo way, it’s divinity, you know? And it goes deep, so I am so grateful that you really brought those things to light through your own story. I thought that was so powerful and so courageous of you to do. So I just wanted to celebrate that but I want to know like what – when your reader picks up your book, you know, gets through it, which hopefully I have some time this week to get through it, which I’m really excited about but what do you hope they feel after putting it down? What is that feeling you hope to evoke within?

[0:26:25] TMM: I hope they get a feeling that authenticity and being authentic matters a whole lot and there is no perfect circumstance and even if there is, it won’t stay perfect for very long. So this is my moment to say, “I’m going to be authentic now. I’m going to reap the benefits. I am going to say goodbye to all the negative effects of not being authentic” and I’m going to say what you said before, this is me, here I am, take or leave it basically. This is me being my authentic self.

[0:27:01] HA: I love that, thank you so much, Mark. It’s been an absolute pleasure having you on the show today. The book is amazing, I know like I’m pretty sure I am going to dive back into it tonight but thank you for sharing your stories and your experiences with me and of course, the audience. The book is titled, The Art of Being Authentic: Increase Self-Esteem, Be Happier, and Discover Your Purpose. So besides checking out the book, where can people find you, my friend?

[0:27:28] TMM: Well, they can find me on social media, on Instagram. I am @authentictmarkmeyer or they can go to tmarkmeyer.com or my website, to the other website, which is called, peacemaker.nu.

[0:27:44] HA: Beautiful. Well, congratulations again on the book launch. Super excited for you, my friend. I know, this is going to make a huge impact in the world. So thank you for taking the time, putting the resources and energy into it, and delivering such an epic piece to read, so thank you.

[0:28:00] TMM: Thank you, Hussein.

[0:28:04] HA: Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of Author Hour. You can find Mark’s book called, The Art of Being Authentic: Increase Self-Esteem, Be Happier, and Discover Your Purpose, right now on Amazon. For more Author Hour episodes, subscribe to this podcast on your favorite subscription service. Thanks for joining us, we’ll see you next time. Same place, different author.