Jamie Douraghy: Episode 340

Transcript

[0:00:19] NVN: Welcome to Author Hour. I’m here today with Author Jamie Douraghy, who recently wrote the book On Guard and On Point: Mastering the Duel Between Life and Work. This book is a reflection of Jamie’s own work and mission through his organization, Life, Work integration. Jamie helps people discover their own personal answers to the questions why, how and what. In other words, he helps people discover what really lights them on fire and drives them in life. Then, he helps them figure out how to bring their life into alignment with their authentic self and deepest most true desires, both personally and professionally. In this episode, Jamie talks about how these three questions changed his own life, moving him from feeling stuck despite the fact that he was a successful entrepreneur and into a place where he is thriving and feels like his daily life as a reflection of his personal mission and passion. So, let’s start by talking about the experience in your own life that led you to want to write this book?

[0:01:29] Jamie Douraghy: The experience in my own life that led me to writing this book was I had been running my own company for about 25 years, enjoying the process, amazing team to work with, great clients, and I just hit a point where I was showing up to work physically, I just wasn’t there at my core and I wasn’t there mentally. And I felt as many people say that there has to be a better way and that was the start of the journey.

[0:01:57] NVN: This strikes me as this feeling of being stuck. A feeling that really resonates with a lot of people today. Can you talk to me a little bit about why you think that is and the impact that it has on people when they find themselves in that position?

[0:02:18] Jamie Douraghy: That feeling of being stuck is obviously it’s personal as we create that. It may not be the truth; the outside world doesn’t necessarily see it. However, it’s something that we feel in our gut. And a lot of times it manifests in low energy and I felt myself showing up for work with low energy. Looking forward to when the day would end. Whereas I used to be, “I can’t wait for the day to start.” And I felt that for me, that’s really – It evolved over a long period of time of doing the same thing over and over again and not knowing why I was doing it. And then the key for me there was really not knowing why. Once I knew why I was doing what I was doing then my perspective shifted when my perspective shifted, my energy shifted and I rediscovered passion again for something that I was always meant to be doing. I just never knew how to get there.

[0:03:13] NVN: Perfect. Let’s stop on that why for a moment. What was your why?

[0:03:21] Jamie Douraghy: My why is to contribute to a greater good. And as long as I feel that I’m helping someone or something bigger than myself and helping them get to the next level, it helps fulfill that sense of purpose that I was seeking out there on my own.

[0:03:38] NVN: So, in your book, you actually walk readers through these three questions which begins with why and also, goes over how and what. So, let’s start by going through your own process with this. After you found your why. What was your how?

[0:03:57] Jamie Douraghy: What I found out about connecting with the why which really connects with your gut brain, it’s really part of your feelings, it’s part of your limbic brain. For me, it’s almost my nonnegotiable. It’s that daily driver. How I do what I do is where I’m able to play to my strengths, it’s where my talents, it’s how I express myself. That comes out to how I do what I do, it’s what connects the inner me with the other person. Or the work that I’m doing.

[0:04:21] NVN: And then, how about your what?

[0:04:23] Jamie Douraghy: The what is a result of the interaction of my how and my why. When I’m able to dig deep into my why, express myself through my how, to make sense of complex situations. So my how is makes sense of the complicated and what I do is create clarity. Therefore, I gain a lot of energy where I see someone saying or asking me, “how did you do that?” I give them that explanation, they say, “wow. I get it.” It puts a smile on their face, it gives them energy and by me seeing their energy, it actually fuels my tank again and recharges me to go out there and do it again and again.

[0:04:58] NVN: When you were in this place of being stuck yourself, did you walk yourself through these three questions or was it more of an elusive process because you were in the middle of it and just trying to figure out what to do next?

[0:05:14] Jamie Douraghy: It started off as an elusive process and the clarity for me came when I reached out to a mentor. And my mentor agreed to essentially coach me through these periods where I didn’t know how to do it nor what to do. I knew why, I needed very concrete steps and he created a series of action plans and held me accountable to those commitments as the commitments were not just to myself, they were to my family, they were to my business and they were to my community.

[0:05:47] NVN: So, in your experience, now that you help other people do this, do you think that it is the why that’s the lynchpin for everybody and from there, it becomes more of a strategic endeavor and more about accountability or do you think for every person, it’s different? Like one part is easier than the other two, but whatever part of it is can vary from person to person?

[0:06:13] Jamie Douraghy: I see the why is being our pilot light, it’s always there, it’s always on. Sometimes it’s brighter, sometimes it goes a little dimmer. However, it’s always there. And what that does when something ignites us or we get excited about, we turn that flame right on and we go and go. So, it’s really for me, it’s the combination of the why, how and what. The reason that it resonated with me is my why and my how is often about how I think and how I feel. My how and my what is what I do. That’s the impact it has on other people. My why and how are about me, my how and what are about the impact I have on other people.

[0:06:56] NVN: The how is sort of like the bridge between you and what lights you on fire, your pilot light and then how you bring that out into the world with the what. Am I understanding that correctly?

[0:07:09] Jamie Douraghy: That’s exactly right. The how is the bridge between why I do what I do. It manifests to how I do everything.

[0:07:17] NVN: With all of this in mind, let’s rewind back to your situation a little bit and tell me what it looked like because you were successful at what you were doing. It was just that it wasn’t lighting you on fire anymore. So, how did you finally reached that point where you realized I have to make a jump and do something different?

[0:07:39] Jamie Douraghy: It was through the process that my mentor helped walk me through. Setting long-term goals, larger goals, asking me, “what can I do that’s bigger than me? How can I push myself? How do I increase my capacity to do more?” I’m involved with several nonprofits in a leadership capacity and his challenge to me was, “where can you stand out?” More importantly, “what do you stand for so that you can stand up?” And once I was able to bring all these together and turn them into a plan, the next steps were actually easier because then all I really had to do was work my plan as they say.

[0:08:20] NVN: What do you have to say to people where there is an element of fear at play and of leaving the known behind? Even if it’s not a satisfactory unknown?

[0:08:33] Jamie Douraghy: Fear is interesting because fear can be approached one or two ways that it can hold us back or it could morph into courage, where it actually propels us forward. And for a while, I was fearful and I was holding myself back because I was afraid of the change or how I might be perceived by others, no longer being a CEO. Once I got over the fear, once I put my ego to the side, I realized that I have a certain amount of competency, certain skillset that will help people’s lives change, I was able to turn that into confidence and I really haven’t looked back since then. Fear in this capacity is not in my vocabulary anymore.

[0:09:16] NVN: Wow. That sounds like freedom.

[0:09:19] Jamie Douraghy: It’s very liberating.

[0:09:22] NVN: And just to give listeners an idea of what’s at stake. Talk to me a little bit about how your daily life used to feel before versus how it feels now?

[0:09:36] Jamie Douraghy: The daily life how it used to feel was I was living and playing in a very small world and that small world was often limited to the size of my digital screen and the interpretation and the projection of the lives of others. Once I was able to put that aside and learn to read great thoughts of others, great writing of others, write my own thoughts down and generate new ideas, the transition started to happen and I moved from that small world to living and playing and being part of a larger world.

[0:10:12] NVN: I love this word, playing, and I’m wondering if you see discovering this feeling of playing instead of doing to be a common denominator in the people you work with who are finding their own why, how and what and making changes in their lives based on that?

[0:10:33] Jamie Douraghy: What I enjoyed most about the discovery process was akin to being a child again, where everything is new and everything is open. Judgment doesn’t really matter anymore and by being able to put that aside, it unlocks so much more, which then in turn unlock the opportunity to write a book. It was never on my bucket list to write a book. However, doing the work that I’ve been doing, you know, people came up to me and they said, “you need to write this and bring it out to a larger audience.” Therefore, they saw something that I didn’t and I went down the discovery process again as upwards because that takes you up, it doesn’t really lead you down, discovery takes you up to a new level and that’s been a very interesting journey to this point.

[0:11:20] NVN: How amazing to just have these new paths open up to you that you never even realized were there before?

[0:11:27] Jamie Douraghy: Absolutely. I think what happens to many of us, we spend our lives in the small screen and we’re unable to see the large scene that’s playing out in front of us.

[0:11:38] NVN: I’m curious about that correlation. When you personally came out and saw that different view, when you saw the larger scene, what kinds of things did you realize you’d been missing before?

[0:11:54] Jamie Douraghy: A lot. It’s hard to sum them up because so much has opened up as a result of just lifting my head up from that small screen, so to speak. What really opened up was the world. So, through these organizations I belong to, I’ve been able to do my workshops in countries within Africa and in China and in Brazil, other countries within South America. It truly really opened up the big scene and the world for me.

[0:12:25] NVN: Wow. Literally it opened up the world. That is incredible.

[0:12:29] Jamie Douraghy: Literally, absolutely.

[0:12:32] NVN: So, now that you found this passion in your professional life, how is your personal life changed because of it?

[0:12:40] Jamie Douraghy: My wife and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary last week and it was one of that happier moments. We renewed our vows and so we have - there’s a renewed energy, a joy perspective of life that is shared whereas when one is sort of looking inward it tends to be solitary. And when it’s shared it is far more empowering.

[0:13:01] NVN: I feel like that such an important point because from what I see, so many people get this feeling of stuck is associated with “adulting” in some ways. So, we can start to justify things because we have to provide for our family or whatever reasons there may be around that. So, it is a powerful point to me that the people who you love and are taking care of actually saw a benefit by you taking this leap and following the direction that lit you on fire.

[0:13:39] Jamie Douraghy: Absolutely and what I noticed by living what I said I was going to live and do, then others around me tapped into their own source and they started doing what mattered to them, what they valued. They started changing their bodies, changing their minds, changing their circle of friends.

[0:14:00] NVN: I am interested in some of the things that you have seen happened around you, whether it is in your circle or through the people who you work with to bring them through this process of answering their three questions. What is your favorite story about where you’ve seen someone begin versus where they’ve managed to end up by following this through?

[0:14:23] Jamie Douraghy: Favorite story that I have with one of these incidents is there is — actually so many. What I’ll share are the favorite moments when people will come up to me years later and they’ll say, “remember that conversation we had about my why?” And I do. I definitely remember pretty much all of them because those moments strike close to me personally and then they share, “as a result, I went on to become chapter president.” “I sold my business, I actually wrote my first book because of the conversation Jamie I had with you, how are you doing on your book?” And this is a few years ago and I said, “well I am still working on it.” Now I can go to the –

[0:15:03] NVN: You can get back to them.

[0:15:04] Jamie Douraghy: Exactly, now I can go back to that person and say, “guess what? I completed my book as well.” And here’s why I complete it and here is how I did it. So, the stories that are shared with me are broad and at the same time they’re all about how they changed the direction of their life from where they were feeling small and now, they’re feeling that they’re accomplishing more in their life than they ever thought that they could.

[0:15:32] NVN: I feel like it is so powerful that people are coming to you with these moments that you were a part of that, not only do they remember overtime but that they’re looking back at as these turning points in their lives that started with something new.

[0:15:50] Jamie Douraghy: Exactly and that is why every conversation that we have with other people in the capacity where we are able to listen and connect, can be very powerful. We never know the impact of our words on another person once they leave us from that conversation.

[0:16:10] NVN: Yeah, a bit of a different direction here, there is a fencing theme in your book so let’s talk to listeners a little bit about how that comes into play for you.

[0:16:21] Jamie Douraghy: Absolutely, you just put a smile on my face. Because that is something I care about. Fencing, I have been a fencer for 43 years now. It’s been an integral and a central part of my life. It is more or less my North Star. It’s been the one thing that I have been able to count on. I have lived in many cities around the world and every time I would enter a new city, my port of entry, so to speak, into that particular city was always through the fencing club. What I love about this sport and continue to love about the sport is the camaraderie, the competition and the connection you make at the club, at a competition or just one on one with your coach.

[0:16:58] NVN: And I am going to go ahead and put this out there for you that you are actually a three-time national champion.

[0:17:07] Jamie Douraghy: Yes, I have won the Veteran National Championships for the US three times now. And in two weeks, I will have the honor of representing the US at the Veteran World Championships for the 7th time and this year’s championships will be in Cairo, Egypt.

[0:17:24] NVN: Amazing, more of the world.

[0:17:26] Jamie Douraghy: Exactly. I have never been to Egypt and the most exciting part about that is that our parents are going to join us as well as my wife and my sister. So, we’re bringing the family along to share in the experience. So, it is more than just going to a fencing tournament or the world championships. It is about the journey that I have the privilege of sharing it with my family.

[0:17:47] NVN: That’s so cool. I feel like it’s such a rare thing to have such a consistent passion in life. 43 years is a long time to continually grow and find pleasure in the same thing.

[0:18:02] Jamie Douraghy: Absolutely and I think in a world where we are easily distracted by so much noise, when we can find something that’s meaningful, that we care about, that there is a community aspect to it, why not pursue it and just become great at it?

[0:18:18] NVN: Yeah and it does feel like sometimes those are the things that get pushed to the way side in favor of “responsibilities,” and I think that we forget about how important they actually are.

[0:18:32] Jamie Douraghy: Sometimes the hardest part about going to fencing practice was getting out the front door. And I found that as soon as I step through that threshold, I couldn’t wait until I step into that other threshold and the fencing club for me is similar to a dojo or any sacred space that once you walk into that place everything else, nothing else matters anymore. You leave all those troubles, all of those thoughts at the front door. Because once you put the gear on there is a ritual to it. And the gear is very protective and you have to be alert and you have to pay attention because if you are standing there thinking about your profit and loss sheets or something else that is mostly going on in your life, the other person with the mask on and a foil on their hand does not care what’s going through your mind at the moment and they will run you through, figuratively.

[0:19:18] NVN: Yeah, it is a good way of being reminded.

[0:19:21] Jamie Douraghy: Exactly, because the moment matters.

[0:19:24] NVN: So, are there any other principles that you have taken from fencing and applied to other areas of your life that you feel are relevant to listeners here?

[0:19:35] Jamie Douraghy: For me it is the importance of having a coach. My former coach who is now retired was about 20 years older than me and originally from Japan. So, he brought a different cultural perspective, a different nuances of how to teach a student. My current coach is about 25 years younger than me and he is originally from Egypt, two-time Olympians. Both these coaches are past Olympians and he brings a completely different perspective. So, I find myself learning from those older than me, learning from my peers and equally learning from those younger than me. And again, that puts me on a path of discovery every single fencing lesson is about discovering myself and what I am capable of doing.

[0:20:22] NVN: That leads to an interesting point. So, to draw this back to the questions, in your experience working with people is there does their why remain static over time or is that something that can shift?

[0:20:36] Jamie Douraghy: What I’ve experienced with thousands of whys that I have been able to do through workshops and through one on one is that the why really doesn’t change. It is our gut. It is what drives us on a daily basis. Our how and what will move around a bit, it will shift. However, when it is as I call the why stack, when they align that is what gives us the energy to be fearless, to have the courage to go forward. When you know why how and what you do, fear is no longer an obstacle.

[0:21:07] NVN: And do you feel like most of the people that you talk to are one some level aware of their why or can it be an elusive thing?

[0:21:18] Jamie Douraghy: I feel like without having gone through the process it is elusive. People when we generally ask them, “why do you do what you do?” Well generally the answer is, “well, I need to make money. I need to put food on my table. I need this.” And that is really not a why that is what I am doing. When you get down to the core of the why, which is based on The Nine Whys created by Dr. Gary Sanchez, those nine why’s when you’re reading them one of them is going to resonate with you. And one of them is going to jump, those words are going to jump out of the page right at you and say, “I have been waiting for you all your life. Now do something with me.” And when that moment happens for example when I find out what my why was I literally had goose bumps. So, it manifested physically on my arms. And I knew in my gut that this is what I need to do. Now go out and find a way to do it.

[0:22:10] NVN: Like a thunderbolt moment it sounds like.

[0:22:13] Jamie Douraghy: Absolutely, it was a clear aha moment for me.

[0:22:16] NVN: So, for listeners who are resonating with what you are saying, what is the first thing that you want them to do after they finish this podcast to start getting some of this into their own lives? Are there any tiny actions that they can take to start to get closer to their own why?

[0:22:38] Jamie Douraghy: Once you know your why, how and what, the most important part is to come up with a plan, why am I doing this? Does it impact my why? So, for example I look inwardly to myself because my why is to contribute is how can I help this entity. My what is to create clarity so how can I help this entity gain clarity. My how based on the nine why’s is to make sense of the complicated situations. If I am unable to make sense of that situation it is probably better that I take a pass and not go down this path. So, I have learned and I’m learning to use my why, how and what as my filter for big decisions that I need to make in my life.

[0:23:23] NVN: So, this goes back it sounds like to what you were saying earlier about the North Star. It really remains a guiding principle that you come back to time and time again.

[0:23:35] Jamie Douraghy: Absolutely and the way I am able to enhance that and make it better is honestly is through my how. How I do what I do, how do I prepare for my tournaments? How do I prepare for my workshops? I use CliftonStrengths Finder as my go-to tool and then I look at my top five strengths. Am I able to integrate these top five strengths thoroughly into my how? So, they manifest in what I do and that is really can be even more powerful when you know your strengths and you can play to your strengths.

[0:24:08] NVN: So, there is an idea of alignment here it sounds like.

[0:24:13] Jamie Douraghy: Absolutely. It is alignment with myself. Once I am aligned with myself then I can seek others out to align with as this journey was never done alone. For example, I need a coach. I need a fencing club. I need a competition venue. But all of those build out into that larger world and it grows exponentially from there through alignment.

[0:24:37] NVN: Beautiful. All right Jamie, anything we didn’t get to this time that you want to be sure listeners know?

[0:24:44] Jamie Douraghy: Get out there, find your why, know how you’re going to make an impact on the world and just do what you love doing as they say.

[0:24:54] NVN: Thanks for joining us for this episode of Author Hour. You can find Jamie’s book, On Guard and On Point, on Amazon and a transcript of this episode as well as other episodes at authorhour.co. For more Author Hour, subscribe to this podcast on iTunes or wherever you listen to your podcast and if you’re feeling it, we love reviews. Thanks for joining us, until next time.